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January 2012

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A alone

I don't even know

*big sigh* I feel... I don't even know.  I feel upset, down, sad, depressed... like I just want to go away and hide for a long time and not have to see anyone or talk to anyone or smile when I don't feel like it.  I feel like I just don't care about anything at all.  I don't even want to do things I normally love to do.  I just don't want to do anything but be alone and away from people and this place.  I feel like it would not matter if I did anyway.  About no one would care if I did that anyway.  There is this song that has the line "I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody anyhow" I keep singing that line to myself.  I don't remember anything else about the song so it's all I can sing anyway haha.  But I'm just annoyed, down, and sad and I don't care to care about anything... if that makes sense.  All I really want to do is cry, but I can't tell anyone that.  I just have to smile and pretend I'm happy and exert all my energy to seem happy so people don't think I'm depressed.  I got accused of trying to go anorexic the other day just because I don't feel like eating anything.  I wanted to say "I'm not anorexic, I just am too sad to care about anything so I don't feel like eating, so go away."  I didn't say that though.  People keep making me feel worse all the time whether they mean to or not.  I just want to do something wild to break out of this feeling but I don't know what I'd do.  I wish I could feel happy, I wish I could just forget everything, I wish for a lot of things.... I guess.  And I hate myself for feeling like this since I have no real reason to.  Sure, there are things going on that make me sad, but it's not like it's as bad as some people have it, like people who lost their house to the fires.  I mean I don't have it that bad when you look around at other people, so why do I feel like that.  I should not be sad, I should be happy, but I'm just not.  I just can't make myself care enough to want to do anything, even things that might make me perk up. I feel useless.

Comments

I don't know your name, but I understand your feelings perfectly. Depression is an ugly thing.
I feel the same right now.
Whatever, please, be strong and you'll overcome all the difficulties.
I hope you'll be OK soon!
Thank you, you are very kind. I will try to be strong, and you as well. :) You sound strong and so I can tell you will overcome it as well. Soon, we will both be ok. :)
I hope you find something to make you smile. A smile goes a long way to overcoming sadness and difficulty.
I hope so. I'm going to visit my ex-student's wedding in two weeks. Hope this event'll make me smile.
Oh I see! That sounds nice! I'm sure it will be nice! I hope it will make you able to smile too.