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January 2012

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I don't know why it had to be this way.... I didn't want this, I didn't want it. I wish so much things could be any other way, anything but how they are now.  I'd do anything in the world for this not to be real, anything!

I hadn't cried until today.  Then I suddenly burst out crying in front of my roommate.  I forced myself to stop fast. I hate to cry when people are around.  I doubt she knew why started crying... I'm not totally sure how much she knows.  She knows what I've said, but maybe that's all.  No one really knows much.  I haven't told anyone anything really.  Word is slowly getting around campus.  I wish it wasn't....  I can't stand facing it, or facing people who know anything at all about it... but I cried because I was totally broken inside.  I cried because I couldn't hold it in anymore, couldn't be strong anymore, but I only cried for a few seconds before I controled myself again. I have to pretend to everyone that nothing is wrong.  I look at people and wonder what they know, what they are thinking. I wonder if they think I did something to deserve it.   No one talks about it, the people who know anything about it.  They just look at me strange and talk about things other than that. I wish I could read minds and see what they are really thinking when they look at me.  But I don't want to tell anyone, don't want to start anything either. No one can know the truth.  I don't want anyone to know anything at all!!! I have to be strong and pretend to be fine or I might simply die.
It's a good thing I am so busy, at least I have something to do.